Month: March 2023

I have one poem published in a book 🙂

It was a high school thing. It was contemplative, about my cat, about quiet thinking.

It was about making a latch hook rug.

I learned to knit in Germany, the European way. It looks backwards to most American knitters, but it really is fast.

I didn’t knit for two years after Brian died, but this year I began again. I’ve been stitching thoughts again.

Actually it can be a prayer now. As I knit for my new grand-baby about to be born, for my other three blessings—grandchildren— I knit and pray.

I’m knitting prayers.

What a month of work it has been!

I’ve been subbing so much I’ve neglected tons at home, so this week I resolve to get some cleaning done.

I’m waiting for the snow to melt to have a campfire—and to clean out the winter’s accumulation of cardboard and junk! The snow is still pretty deep everywhere, but the last few days have seen sunshine and the fifties.

So ready for spring.

The elbow saga has a wonderful miraculous twist. We saw a different provider, and the immediate report is that despite necrosis there is much new bone evident and the healing is remarkable! Praise to the Father, the Healer!

The woman I have been seeing for counseling recommended a Bible that highlights all the passages about healing. She suggested I pray these healing verses over Ed. There is so much to heal in our lives besides our bodies.

The sandhill cranes are back, and I know now that they recognize and love my brother (who visits from New York occasionally) because they showed right up by the house when he got here Saturday. They have been performing for him. Birds are smart. They know all of us. God’s creation continues to amaze me.

I’ve got a silly, whimsical hobby lately. I like treasure hunts when it involves thrift stores or quirky items. I love whimsy. Ed and Cherie put up with my fancies. Brian did, too, especially regarding childen’s books and hunting for long-gone gems like Hester Beatty’s “Little Owl Indian.” That book took me YEARS to find.

This year it’s strawberries. I even have a strawberry board on Pinterest.

The cuteness and flavors, fragrances and quirkiness that I’ve discovered has been so fun!

For example: I drank coffee this morning, Dunkin Donuts Chocolate Covered Stawberry flavor—–Delicious! Before this “hunt” I never would have touched the stuff (I’m a chocolate person up until now) but it has been fun to discover the joys of strawberry! Sadly this coffee is “limited edition.” A brief enjoyment.

I have found such cute strawberry stuff in unexpected places. I guess strawberries are pretty popular in Japan, so I find stationery and pens from there with that theme. I may give you a strawberry thing this year.

I found a bottle of strawberry lotion at Marshall’s that smells amazing! Anyway, I think this all started with Ed getting a bunch of strawberry plants last spring. It remains to be seen if those plants survived this wretched winter.

My mom must have had a strawberry phase too, as she had several jewelry pins with strawberries, some that she had made with decoupage at Pioneer Girls in the 1970’s. I have been wearing them to school. The kids know that I’m a strawberry nut this year. Whimsy.

It’s so cute when one of them shyly comes up to me and says “I like strawberries too!”

I remember that my first grade teacher, Mrs. Zanis, always wore pins of flies to school. It was a weird but memorable whim of hers. I loved her. She was one of my all-time favorite teachers. I remembered that whimsy is memorable.

I am seeing sunshine outside this morning. It’s chilly, but there’s expectation for a quick rise in the temps. I’ve neglected the pool and the gym last week. Just worn out. I need to get back on track.

Our Sunday School teacher reminded us yesterday that we get up in the morning and we can consciously can decide to put Jesus on the throne of our lives for the day—-or put ourselves there. It was a good thought.

I want Jesus on the throne today.

MARANATHA!

As the winter wanes I am restless to get on with things. I think I need spring in a bad way this year. The snow has been ruthless this year.

I’m thinking of my home as a fortress more and more.

We are in a dilemma currently. Ed’s elbow has been ignored by the medical team we sought out.

Tonight he plans to go to an orthopedic urgent care center here in the Twin Cities if an appointment cannot be made today or tomorrow with another orthopedic doctor in the system we have been using.

His arm is still in the splint that he got on February 20 in the ER. It’s literally falling apart. Nothing has been done, no consultation (the orthopedic doctor at Buffalo went on vacation and isn’t coming back until March 30)

The cat scan happened, and we can see the image online, but who are we to interpret it?

I have no idea how to push this system, so we are abandoning it.

With Ed’s avascular necrosis from his extensive cancer treatments he is a special case. The scan apparently indicated that necrosis was in the elbow. Remember, Ed has two artificial knees.

Although the ER doctor was nice at Buffalo I would never return to that hospital in an emergency. The follow up is unreal..

May God help us!

We still don’t know if surgery is needed.

I am trying to just trust God —–WHY, Though, LORD???

Ed plays the piano, but hasn’t since the accident. He started his new job as a computer engineer with limited mobility.

Why, God?

In the meantime, Ed was at his friend’s house playing games with the parents and a brother. It was Wednesday evening. That night the mom, also a friend of mine, passed away suddenly in her sleep. She was gone on Thursday morning. Ed said there was absolutely nothing to indicate she wasn’t fine.

This shocked us all. We are reminded of Brian’s sudden death. Another person we knew and cherished is with Jesus.

It’s hard.

It’s so hard.

Between loss and dilemma I’m crying.

I’ve been working steadily, too. It’s subbing season: teachers are worn down, fitting in their kid’s spring breaks, appointments, and all sorts of educational commitments. I’m in demand these days, and I have a hard time saying no. I’m tired.

An Ethiopian Jewish man who is a believer asked me out recently. It was interesting to meet him. I’m actually interested in getting to know someone who speaks Chinese—this is the direction my life is taking now. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack though.

My husband Brian was One in a Million. It’s hard to find a partner who is comparable. I’m accepting that life will be lonely for me until Christ comes, waiting for my Eternal Monarch. Men don’t pursue like they used to. They’ve been burned out on masculinity—even those who are my age.

Almost three years of being alone has trained me and fostered acceptance of loneliness.

I have Jesus. I have my little fortress here on earth, my house/farm in the countryside, Corgi Hollows. He knows my needs. He cares. I can wait on Him.

Topaz is calling me for snuggles. Of my three cats he is the most affectionate. I love him, big black boy that he is. (Our vet loves him too, and coos over him every time!) I’ll go give him a chin scratch before heading to swim.

I’ve been lax with the CrossFit and swimming lately. The weather has been HORRIBLE and my mood hasn’t been much better. My fortress has been welcoming and warm, safe and cozy.

Spring is not coming soon enough this year. I know it will come, because of God’s promises, but I’m impatient. I think this weather is a judgment on our state for passing such terrible and barbaric abortion laws recently. Weather CAN be judgment. Sometimes.

I choose to think so.

Corgi Hollows needs a load of gravel to repair an old driveway—this weather has been destructive like never before. Snow banks have thwarted access all spring. It’s brutal.

Maintaining a property is not for the faint of heart. I know this.

God provides. He has, and He will.

Everyone asks about my mom. She’s doing well. Ed has been staying over here at Corgi Hollows because he liked the way our couch propped him up with his elbow situation all night. My mom misses him, but we are right here, and all is well. He’ll move back to the apartment there soon. She is grieving for Dad in her own way and in her own time. I think she is healthy. Thanks for asking.

I was a bit raw today. Pardon me.

From the battlements of Corgi Hollows,

MARANATHA!

Since my life has been marked by hard things recently I cannot help but be a little “dark” on my blog. I’ve always wanted to be “light” in this world, but my circumstances have made that hard for me.

Still, most of us have darkness that we must deal with, and how we deal with it can be a source of light to those who really have none.

Because I am a believer in Jesus I have hope.

My interest is primarily in the life that is eternal—the life of my spirit in Christ Jesus.

This is my experience, this is my faith, this is my hope.

So, watch and see how effective it is to have faith.

I fail, as my previous post tells, but my ultimate end is absolute victory.

Today may be full of snow and hardship, but I know a day is coming when I will see my King face to face, when all of my dear ones are perfect and welcoming me into a blissful existence with God the Father.

He is holy. I will be holy. We will stand in His presence, whole and pure.

Today I may be down. I may be struggling and even shedding a few tears. I do that often these days because life is hard.

This isn’t my ultimate, though.

I have hope.

The King is coming.

MARANATHA!

Can you be a failure in grief?

I speak only from experience, mine, and I’ve thought so. What is failing at grief, anyway?

Not crying enough? Feeling totally lost? Anger at the One who orchestrates the world?

How about sobbing at inappropriate moments?

Those all look like failure to me.

What about the darkness —blue—that sits in the chest, coloring the days?

Loss brings grief.

I’ve struggled with maintaining our home, as well. Failure. Managing is hard.

I’ve dropped the ball on most relationships.

Can you hear what I am saying? Those who grieve are prone to failure.

I’m not stupid. I have a smattering of talents and gifts, understanding. To whom much is given much shall be required.

I’ve failed there, too.

So, speaking as a FAILURE, I will say this: God forgives. He will forgive that mess I’ve made.

Can you forgive me, too?