I’m reading in Isaiah right now. It’s 66 chapters, so reading 5/day still lets me spend significant time this month in this incredible book.
Today the Lord has been saying the word “heart” to me—in my reading, in my prayers, in my calendar and lists—all the things that I keep myself together with.
My friend’s dad passed away on Monday. I wanted to be at the funeral, and had even planned a trip this week to say good-bye to him while he was in hospice. My heart grieves for my friend, who was such a support to me when I lost Brian, my brother, my dad, and my world fell apart.
My heart aches.
My heart aches for the grief in this world, which mine is a part of. A small part, but so, so heavy for me.
Sometimes grief can be so intense that my heart throbs and I feel panic.
When the sun is shining and the flowers are glowing in springtime glory my heart can almost burst. Grief can be even more intense.
Today I must battle the intensity.
I think that the “stages of grief” so helpful to know and acknowledge through a process of loss are really true. I have experienced ALL OF THEM in the five years since my trauma.
The one that helps me cope the most might be anger.
I never thought of myself as an angry person. Since my trauma I experience that emotion in a way entirely new to me.
I confess that I believe anger is one of the seven deadly sins, and righteous anger is hard to define. I heard once that only God can handle anger, therefore we must all quickly dissipate this emotion when felt, in a Godly way.
I went to a seminar on anger resolution and one of the tricks is to BLESS the source of anger.
Can I bless my grief?
When Brian died I confess that I was mad at him for dying. Crazy, right? It wasn’t his fault. His precious heart just failed.
Still, I was mad that he just left me.
This thought has come back many times in these past five years. I have a moment of anger and I think about what I need to do—-
My heart trembles.
I turn to God.
He knows my heart.
Life is really brief in light of eternity. We all live forever in heaven or hell. Can I hold out during this life?
This is a deep heart matter.
It is in these moments of intensity that God shows up for me most often. Today He reminded me that He cares for my heart.
He cares for you. He is coming soon. He is coming soon.
MARANATHA