Month: May 2021

I am surrounded by blue, green, deafening birdsong, sunshine, lilacs and sweetness.

And my heart is aching because this was the time of year that my husband really came to life, loving the yard, seeing the new growth, inhaling freshness.

Everywhere I look I can picture him hard at work.

And my loss is keen.

I feel like the beauty and the sorrow just don’t go together.

It is a conundrum.

I have to figure this out, but the heaviness in my heart is something I seek to distract myself from. It’s just too heavy. This is what grief looks like for me almost a year after my loss.

I am still remembering the moment I learned my husband had died, still wondering if it is really true. Why can’t our minds accept our shock?

I go on with the mundane things about me, subbing, mowing, shopping, driving, swimming at the Y, answering texts, paying the bills. I love the mundane. I’m so unexciting.

I’m healing.

I am thankful for each promise you have made me of praying. I need prayer. I need understanding.

My life journey has been raw lately, and because I am a writer/blogger I share it. It’s who I am right now, who I have become. I am simply the beggar telling other beggars where to find hope.

I like that metaphor.

Today I have the impetus to crawl out of my hole and take a look around. I’ve been in fetal position for a few weeks, and I’m giving myself some slack to see the darker side of my grief and let my guard down. My head hurts from crying, I snap irritably at little things. I’m not pleasant to be around.

Fetal position is becoming to me these days. You’d rather not encounter me.

God understands that I am dust. He knows my need and my weakness. He is always there. I’m seeing His merciful side lately. God, the righteous judge, is gentle and lowly of heart. I need Him to see me with that heart right now.

All I can do is pray for others right now.

Focus is a real thing, and I have defined my focus through these difficult months. I seek gentleness and lowliness, I seek to reflect the heart of Jesus.

Off to subbing for the rest of the day.

My dear cousin, precious friend, is arriving tonight to lift my spirits and connect for a week. She has sacrificed a week in her Arizona home to be with me. She always does me good. I’m so grateful for her.

Expect me to come back to life. I need to.

This was one of my husband’s favorite quotes. In our crazy life we reminded each other that “normal” was really impossible. How can you be normal with five above-average kids running around?

Brian was a genius, too, so that is hardly normal.

As I try to find a level of normalcy in my current existence I become weary, exhausted, trying to figure out a road map to the Rapture.

As a Pre-trib Rapture adherent I have a focal point, and that is a moment/twinkling that can occur at any time, perhaps today.

That focal point tends to ground me, forces me to find stability in a life that seems out of control.

God is in control, it just seems a bit crazy to me for now.

I guess I’m asking for your prayers.

I don’t like this stage of loss, this unpredictable emotion and pain. It’s hard on the soul.

It’s beyond my power to change it, but I ask for the One Who can help me to do so.

Thanks for praying.

My son, Ed, tells me I have a stream-of-conscious style of writing, and that is true. I rarely edit, I rarely fix, I just let it out.

In the watches of the night an idea will come to me, something I have concern about, an incident to share, something mundane perhaps. As an evangelist my concern is for people to find the truth of Jesus, and to accept His offer of salvation.

His creation, His terms.

I have been quiet these past weeks, with rare surfacing for social oxygen. I have virtually quit my job at the hotel. I’ve subbed a couple of days each week. I take walks and I swim. Corwyn is at my hand, looking to me, watching my eyes, listening for my every movement.

This dog adores me.

I’m thankful for her. It’s unusual and sort of nice. I think about how I should be acting toward God and what adoration really looks like.

She watches me cry.

I’ve been crying, and I think it is probably a good thing. This quiet season is my thoughts of loss manifesting in tears. I wondered if it would come, truthfully. Numbness is survival. Could I let myself emote again?

I think I was afraid of crumbling.

I didn’t want to crumble.

Grief crumbling is okay.

I still don’t know if I am going to get through it, but I know it is okay, because I am in the middle of it and I can still function. I still have hope in the middle of the dark.

I am changed. I’m not the person I was. You shouldn’t expect it, either.

Loss changes people.

______________

I know it is unscandinavian to brag about my family. I apologize. My Swedish/Norwegian heritage prohibits bragging. I must mention this, though. I have extremely talented family. (Fact). Some of you know this, have followed us, kept an eye on them.

Grief has changed my family, too, and I ask you to pray for ALL of my family—parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, children, in-laws.

As you know, my older brother and his wife were killed in California by a drunk driver October 2019. They left seven adult (or almost adult) children. My brother and his first wife (who died of a brain tumor) had four children. My second sister-in-law had three.

My brother’s younger daughter is a musician, and her work brings joy to many, many people. Her style is “indie,” so there is a very select audience for her music.

After my husband died in June last summer I spent some time with her briefly, and we talked about heaven, about faith, about hope. What else did we have? She wants to see her dad again. I want to see her dad and my husband again. We shared our pain.

This Friday her new album is coming out, “Mercy.”

I have followed her production of this album. I see a spiritual transformation, and I am thrilled. I believe she has grounded her faith in Jesus to handle her loss. This is the ONLY way to handle loss.

I warmly recommend this new work “Mercy” by Natalie Bergman. There is grace and hope in this music. The path toward true spiritual power and transformation by the Holy Spirit was chosen.

I’m comforted, I’m thrilled.

___________

Another great tragedy occurred this past weekend in my family circle. I cannot give any details, but God can take care of this. I hope that my dear one who is most affected can also trust His timing, His plan. Please pray for this situation. Thank you.

___________

Maranatha, Jesus! We need you.

Perhaps today?