Month: October 2022

It’s a beautiful October morning, and I just completed my stretch of night-stays with my dad. I never know how I’ll be the day the professional caregivers take over to give me a break. I actually slept (from exhaustion) a couple of nights this week, and still heard my dad’s stirring, got up and helped him, then went right back to sleep. Today I’m alert. Some days I can be a borderline Zombie.

Alas, as one who is approaching old age myself, that pattern of immediate sleep after being awake doesn’t always surface. Last night I was wide awake for quite awhile after helping Dad.

So, sometimes I listen to Chinese, sometimes I think. I’ve found that in these past couple of years thinking in the middle of the night can lead to some anxiety, and that is anathema for me. I prefer to listen to Chinese.

Of course I pray. I repeat Scripture to myself when desperation sets in. God always answers. I figure if I cannot sleep there must be a purpose to that. It makes for exhausting days. Sometimes I feel barely alive.

When hard things happen we all react in various ways. For myself I decided to retreat, fortress, and retread. I felt the urgent need for a simpler, quieter life to manage my unavoidable destiny.

I am a widow now. I’m taking care of my parents. I’m processing difficult relationship alterations. I’m learning to take care of business and survive.

I think about death quite a bit, and that has opened a thought about my own existence and the days numbered for me. God numbers our days. Each and every one of us has days numbered by Him. That is an incredible comfort—a calm fog on a crisp morning.

As I withdrew from most of my past activity I didn’t really think about it being a death of my own in a way. It was, though. I chose to put to death many things in my life, just so I could manage the things necessary for me to go on with life.

One of the things I killed was my intense interest in current events. Having always been a political news junkie, mostly in light of Biblical prophecy, I became the opposite: I have no interest in the events of the world.

I became a cynic of Mainstream Media years ago. Now I “let” the Illuminati and the top of the pyramid dictate to the masses without raising an eyebrow of concern. The Beast system has always been there. Globalization is just another manifestation for this inevitable development.

The spiritual world is alive and well, and I am aware of it. The supernatural has always been natural for me. Example: I work at a hotel and I meet people from all over the world. I find it fascinating when people connect with me on a deeper level, not just perfunctory checking-in. I’ve been told all sorts of crazy things (you’d agree if I elaborated here) but there are definitely spiritual people, dark and light, that I encounter, and that experience is interesting. There is a dark force in this world, and it is pretty powerful.

As a believer I am fully confident in the promise: Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world. I’m thankful that I understand the source of that dark force and how it masks itself in a sweetness at times.

We are entering the dark season of the northern hemisphere, the dark season of Halloween, the dark season of blatant demonic activity. Some call it fantasy. I see and feel it for what it is.

The saddest thing is that as I study a new subject for me (East Asia) I am taken aback at the spiritual darkness, the oblivion to the demonic, the deception of the evil one. I see so many people claiming something righteous and living in absolute bondage to evil. That is hard.

Many cry Lord, Lord! God says that He “never knew them.” People can be forgiven for ignorance and lack of knowledge, but to purposefully bow to a false system, one that contradicts God’s Word, is living suicide.

The wood of the holly tree was used in witchcraft. Holly wood looks harmless but it has bewitching connotations.

I think about that as a huge metaphor for our existence. We are easily drawn in by deception. Satan is a liar and a cheater too! God says he is the father of lies.

Do you think any of us are above his ability to deceive?

Only those grounded in Truth will understand the lie. Those who live in deception have committed living suicide.

Lucifer is an angel of light. He is the devil, cast down from heaven, angry Satan in rebellion against the Most High. Let us be aware of his presence, his ability, and his schemes.

Being lulled in to that spiritual death of his domain is something we ALL must avoid. Remember that we are born into that spiritual death, and must place our faith in Christ to be reborn.

I may have “died” recently to my past life of being a family with Brian, but I am fully alive in a spiritual sense, fully aware of the battle that plays unseen by the eye. I chose to “die” to some things simply to begin again on a different level, accommodate new circumstances, survive. I’m living, but part of who I am died. It will never be the same again.

Prayer is a mighty weapon, and I encourage you to wield it unsparingly. It is the main thing I use in my new life. I’ve seen its effectiveness! Many, many battles are still being fought, though, and I do not claim victory in any sense. I can only trust that God is at work. This I know.

Arm yourself against the darkness with Truth from God’s Word. Be ready to be SNATCHED for the Bridal Feast at any time! Don’t miss the Glorious Appearing of our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. Be ready. Lamps must be lit!

Come, Lord Jesus!

Maranatha!

Love is often a choice. It isn’t always a feeling springing up from the bottom of the soul. Love can be a will to serve, care for, or stand by.

It may not come naturally.

I’ve been in the midst of a life-purge, reset, new beginning. I think I’ve accomplished the Big Change pretty well. I did it mostly by default, not on purpose, but a few choices needed to be made, and I opted to Pare Down. Change happened. I succeeded.

Do I feel a surge of joy at my success? Not exactly.

Loneliness, longing, and a desire to be useful for God’s kingdom still haunt me.

I feel small. I feel alone.

I know the Lord is with me, but He seems distant these days. I hash things out with Him daily. Who else can I go to?

Losing a spouse may not be the absolute worst thing in the human experience, but it is devastating, and I am not handling it well. I still have these thoughts about denying his death—This couldn’t have really happened, right?

Perhaps it is a struggle with accepting reality, failure, loss. I’ve failed at so many things in my weakness and grief.

I’ve been busy with the fall house cleaning. I wish I could come up with a system that stays organized and clean, but I continue to try and fail at this. “Sink Reflections” by M.C. revolutionized my life, but there are still so many things to organize, purge, and handle.

I wish I could get good at this. My husband was the one who did a lot of this, so even though I am almost 60 years old I am still learning new skills.

Getting a degree in Administration can be helpful to those who are administratively handicapped. Laugh out loud.

God chose to let me learn some needed skills.

Several years ago I was discouraged about the recidivism in the county jail. I had a friend who ministered in a jail, too, and he was also concerned. We saw people in jail who didn’t know how to live.

What if we helped them learn life skills? What if we took them on a hike and taught basic character principles, survival techniques, life skills, and spiritual guidance? Sounds wonderful, right?

An experienced boy scout leader (my husband), military men (my husband and my friend), pastoral guide (my friend), teacher (myself), hikers (all of us), campers (all three of us) had an idea to form a non-profit organization to help people stay out of jail and live life with a measure of success, physically and spiritually.

I started the process of learning the nuts and bolts of running an NPO. I applied for the Master’s program at St. Cloud State University in Public Administration so I could effectively manage a non-profit organization.

We were all on board.

Then everything hit the fan.

I’m only a few credits from finishing this Master’s degree, but my whole life evaporated in front of my eyes. I’ve been groping for purpose and reason ever since. My studies are suspended for now.

You know me, Miss Missionary Minded. We all need purpose in life. Man searches for meaning, right, Victor Frankl?

As a believer in Christ I have felt my purpose was for His Kingdom, and that can look pretty diverse.

It might mean taking care of an elderly parent as he dies. It could be raising a child to value righteousness. It may be showing up at a job to wash laundry or dishes. It might be showing good character to a fellow worker or anyone on the street.

Simple or profound, small or great. Christ’s Kingdom encompasses all of this.

As I go through old files I see documents or letters that ask for teachers all over the world. I am interested in languages: German, Turkish, Spanish, Chinese, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, —I’ve studied all of these languages some, enough to see linguistic patterns and appreciate the various cultures which they represent. I can speak a bit of each, read a bit more, understand enough.

As an English speaker in a foreign country I could appreciate language acquisition more than the average teacher.

My heart pulls me in the direction of mission. I have a delightful prospect with a Chinese/American NGO, but my current activity of caring for the people closest to me has trumped my studies and my progress.

Love is a choice. I choose to be in this season of limitations.

I trust that God will honor that choice, and direct my path.

He does that. He knows my need. He understands my rambling thoughts on life and purpose. He sees my massive life-change.

He sees my pain and my loneliness. He knows me.

He knows I’m trying.

He understands my failure.

He chooses to love me.

God is Love. 1 John 4:8

Maranatha!

The imagery is not mine. I read it somewhere once in a poem or prose: autumn’s color is like the finery worn for festive occasions.

Nature celebrates, at least here in the Midwest where the intense color of leaves turning is impressive. Amour Maples, Sugar Maples, Red Oaks, sumac, and all the yellows of Basswoods and Birch.

Chartreuse fields of grass contrast the russets. Above are the intense blue skies of fall. Sky-tinted waters, Minnesota lakes, can reflect the beauty, mirrors of this event.

The day after the ball will be grey and beige, but right now the celebration is full throttle.

I walk back and forth to and from Mom and Dad’s often these golden days. My eyes feast on the beauty of this countryside. I know that I am blessed. The artist in me appreciates this environment.

The contrasts are important. When I fail to notice a beautiful view my outlook becomes mundane. We need this beauty.

I’m currently reading a book called the “Short History of Chinese Art.” It starts with the Chinese legend of the birth of man. Chinese culture/legend taught that man evolved from the fleas on a giant that was earth and sky.

The insignificance of man compared to the landscape that surrounded him became a central philosophy of East Asian art.

Now we know that on the scale of string theory to universal dimensions man is actually the perfect mean. The Golden mean?

God put mankind central to His creation. We are significant. We are made in His image, and scale is just one indicator of this importance.

Yes, nature is powerful, beautiful, and awesome. It is under the authority and control of our Creator to provide us a place.

Choose to see God for who He is.

The God who made us defines Himself, and He loves us.

He is coming soon. Even so, Lord Jesus, quickly come.

Maranatha.