Recently I wrote about the pertinence to Scripture and life that a daily time of devotion can bring to your schedule.
I have also been astounded by God’s perfect timing and relevance when it comes to hearing from Him through patterns or sermons. I have even had dreams that have helped me come to a decision or choice.
I am witness to His guidance in relationships, in where to go to church, in what my focus should be, and recently, conviction of sin and a pattern I’d been practicing.
Testimony: It was about a week ago when I sat up in bed and the thought came to me, “I’ve given up.”
I gave up.
I finally know what it is like to just give up. I really do.
There is a place that is called “Gave Up.”
It’s not a good place. It really comes out of a sad heart, a lost way, a place of regret.
In any life there are regrets. I could have, should have, would have…
No matter how well you run the race of life you will have these thoughts because you are human, and therefore imperfect. I have become aware of my own sin (and confess it here) that I should have loved more in my marriage, served more, helped more. I had the right mindset, yet I allowed petty things (foxes in the grain) to undermine my love and resolve. Marriage is hard. There were times I relied on my vows to keep me committed, not my emotions. Marriage is a commitment. Thick and thin, promises must be kept through it all. When you promise something before and to God you are held deeply accountable.
I say this because I am still in the process of grieving (ongoing) and my own limitations haunt me. I do wish I’d been better at being a wife.
If I ever have the chance to be married again I think I will treasure this lesson. I loved being married. I think women and men are created to be married.
I know there are so many who aren’t married, even those who desire to be, but it really is what God intended—-help for one another, a cord of three strands, two are better than one—It’s true.
How I miss my husband.
And I felt that I had given up on my life that day as I woke up. I felt that I had nothing to inspire me to go on. I felt that life was just over for me.
Last night Cherie and I went to hear Michele Bachmann speak at a prophecy event. Her words “Don’t Give Up” went straight to my convicted heart. You may be able to hear her entire talk online somewhere, and I really recommend that. The part about giving up hit me like a bullet.
Lord, you spoke directly to me through Michele.
As I piece together my life post-Brian I am well aware of all my loss. There are still things lying around that have value and meaning —my Master’s classes, my two children still living at home, my house, my pets, my parents living next door. These “pieces” have massive worth.
I am simply trying to make sense of how to concentrate on serving these things better, better than I did my own marriage for 30 years.
I was a faithful wife, a submissive wife, but I could have done better.
I could have done better.
Is that a regret? Is it a conviction?
I know that the Lord is telling me something even today: Don’t give up. Piece things together, get your act together, drop the selfishness.
Serve. Small scale. Just do it, even through grief and loss, pain and circumstance.
It is a beautiful day at Corgi Hollows. The acorns are bulleting my metal roof, the noise continues as they roll off onto the ground. I heard a blue jay give his “fall is coming” call yesterday. This time of year just really grips my heart. The beauty always makes me ache. Golden summer closing, chill of fall in the breeze.
May this quickening revive my own ambition.
I’m taking down?