My son, Ed, tells me I have a stream-of-conscious style of writing, and that is true. I rarely edit, I rarely fix, I just let it out.
In the watches of the night an idea will come to me, something I have concern about, an incident to share, something mundane perhaps. As an evangelist my concern is for people to find the truth of Jesus, and to accept His offer of salvation.
His creation, His terms.
I have been quiet these past weeks, with rare surfacing for social oxygen. I have virtually quit my job at the hotel. I’ve subbed a couple of days each week. I take walks and I swim. Corwyn is at my hand, looking to me, watching my eyes, listening for my every movement.
This dog adores me.
I’m thankful for her. It’s unusual and sort of nice. I think about how I should be acting toward God and what adoration really looks like.
She watches me cry.
I’ve been crying, and I think it is probably a good thing. This quiet season is my thoughts of loss manifesting in tears. I wondered if it would come, truthfully. Numbness is survival. Could I let myself emote again?
I think I was afraid of crumbling.
I didn’t want to crumble.
Grief crumbling is okay.
I still don’t know if I am going to get through it, but I know it is okay, because I am in the middle of it and I can still function. I still have hope in the middle of the dark.
I am changed. I’m not the person I was. You shouldn’t expect it, either.
Loss changes people.
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I know it is unscandinavian to brag about my family. I apologize. My Swedish/Norwegian heritage prohibits bragging. I must mention this, though. I have extremely talented family. (Fact). Some of you know this, have followed us, kept an eye on them.
Grief has changed my family, too, and I ask you to pray for ALL of my family—parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, children, in-laws.
As you know, my older brother and his wife were killed in California by a drunk driver October 2019. They left seven adult (or almost adult) children. My brother and his first wife (who died of a brain tumor) had four children. My second sister-in-law had three.
My brother’s younger daughter is a musician, and her work brings joy to many, many people. Her style is “indie,” so there is a very select audience for her music.
After my husband died in June last summer I spent some time with her briefly, and we talked about heaven, about faith, about hope. What else did we have? She wants to see her dad again. I want to see her dad and my husband again. We shared our pain.
This Friday her new album is coming out, “Mercy.”
I have followed her production of this album. I see a spiritual transformation, and I am thrilled. I believe she has grounded her faith in Jesus to handle her loss. This is the ONLY way to handle loss.
I warmly recommend this new work “Mercy” by Natalie Bergman. There is grace and hope in this music. The path toward true spiritual power and transformation by the Holy Spirit was chosen.
I’m comforted, I’m thrilled.
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Another great tragedy occurred this past weekend in my family circle. I cannot give any details, but God can take care of this. I hope that my dear one who is most affected can also trust His timing, His plan. Please pray for this situation. Thank you.
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Maranatha, Jesus! We need you.
Perhaps today?