Lots of Love

Love is often a choice. It isn’t always a feeling springing up from the bottom of the soul. Love can be a will to serve, care for, or stand by.

It may not come naturally.

I’ve been in the midst of a life-purge, reset, new beginning. I think I’ve accomplished the Big Change pretty well. I did it mostly by default, not on purpose, but a few choices needed to be made, and I opted to Pare Down. Change happened. I succeeded.

Do I feel a surge of joy at my success? Not exactly.

Loneliness, longing, and a desire to be useful for God’s kingdom still haunt me.

I feel small. I feel alone.

I know the Lord is with me, but He seems distant these days. I hash things out with Him daily. Who else can I go to?

Losing a spouse may not be the absolute worst thing in the human experience, but it is devastating, and I am not handling it well. I still have these thoughts about denying his death—This couldn’t have really happened, right?

Perhaps it is a struggle with accepting reality, failure, loss. I’ve failed at so many things in my weakness and grief.

I’ve been busy with the fall house cleaning. I wish I could come up with a system that stays organized and clean, but I continue to try and fail at this. “Sink Reflections” by M.C. revolutionized my life, but there are still so many things to organize, purge, and handle.

I wish I could get good at this. My husband was the one who did a lot of this, so even though I am almost 60 years old I am still learning new skills.

Getting a degree in Administration can be helpful to those who are administratively handicapped. Laugh out loud.

God chose to let me learn some needed skills.

Several years ago I was discouraged about the recidivism in the county jail. I had a friend who ministered in a jail, too, and he was also concerned. We saw people in jail who didn’t know how to live.

What if we helped them learn life skills? What if we took them on a hike and taught basic character principles, survival techniques, life skills, and spiritual guidance? Sounds wonderful, right?

An experienced boy scout leader (my husband), military men (my husband and my friend), pastoral guide (my friend), teacher (myself), hikers (all of us), campers (all three of us) had an idea to form a non-profit organization to help people stay out of jail and live life with a measure of success, physically and spiritually.

I started the process of learning the nuts and bolts of running an NPO. I applied for the Master’s program at St. Cloud State University in Public Administration so I could effectively manage a non-profit organization.

We were all on board.

Then everything hit the fan.

I’m only a few credits from finishing this Master’s degree, but my whole life evaporated in front of my eyes. I’ve been groping for purpose and reason ever since. My studies are suspended for now.

You know me, Miss Missionary Minded. We all need purpose in life. Man searches for meaning, right, Victor Frankl?

As a believer in Christ I have felt my purpose was for His Kingdom, and that can look pretty diverse.

It might mean taking care of an elderly parent as he dies. It could be raising a child to value righteousness. It may be showing up at a job to wash laundry or dishes. It might be showing good character to a fellow worker or anyone on the street.

Simple or profound, small or great. Christ’s Kingdom encompasses all of this.

As I go through old files I see documents or letters that ask for teachers all over the world. I am interested in languages: German, Turkish, Spanish, Chinese, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, —I’ve studied all of these languages some, enough to see linguistic patterns and appreciate the various cultures which they represent. I can speak a bit of each, read a bit more, understand enough.

As an English speaker in a foreign country I could appreciate language acquisition more than the average teacher.

My heart pulls me in the direction of mission. I have a delightful prospect with a Chinese/American NGO, but my current activity of caring for the people closest to me has trumped my studies and my progress.

Love is a choice. I choose to be in this season of limitations.

I trust that God will honor that choice, and direct my path.

He does that. He knows my need. He understands my rambling thoughts on life and purpose. He sees my massive life-change.

He sees my pain and my loneliness. He knows me.

He knows I’m trying.

He understands my failure.

He chooses to love me.

God is Love. 1 John 4:8

Maranatha!