My little world continues to micro-evolve. Day to day there are changes that we must encounter, decide upon, and adapt to. Some things cease to happen, others begin.

When people leave this sphere there are so many adjustments to make.

Birth and marriage are huge adjustments, but I think death is the biggest one. Things are so final, so unchangeable. It seems like it is a new existence entirely, a whole new world, as the Disney song proclaims.

For my 95-year-old dad right now, decline is the name of the game. I have no idea how long this “game” lasts. It is unchartable territory. Someone with his strength and long-lasting good health can see incremental decline limited to certain aspects of his overall health.

For the time being my life is completely encompassed with his care.

This is a new experience for me, and one that I am reluctant with. I admit it. I love my dad! I hate seeing this slow progression.

It isn’t easy for any of us.

I’ve already gotten several calls to substitute teach, this week, even. (Shock!) but am declining for the time being. We are searching for good help, and that is a real challenge.

Times they are a-changing.

I cannot swim in the afternoons because the YMCA cannot find lifeguards to work. Our society is in need of laborers in a huge way. It’s uncanny.

Where have all the people gone? Covid?

I can almost imagine a world where two people are left after a prolonged battle with aliens. A thriller. It’s really a nightmare.

There’s a book the kids were reading for school called “Alas, Babylon” a few years back. That story comes to mind as people re-set after pandemic.

Life is hard. I know it.

I learned that one of Corgi Hollows’ top fans passed away recently. Heart failure. I’m sad. We all think about Covid and its related effects. Because I believe it may have affected my husband’s heart I think about this from time to time, and note how many other men in their fifties have passed away suddenly like him. It’s a thought to ponder.

This person was only one month younger than my husband, so same age group.

Meanwhile I will try to sleep, swim, do CrossFit, and manage life as it happens. Challenges. Limiting life’s activities to the bare minimum is survival.

I’m learning this. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

It’s true.

Come, Lord Jesus!

Maranatha!

When Brian died two years ago I received dozens of cards and memorial gifts. I opened them up, read them, and put them in a big box to re-read carefully at a later date.

I gave the money to a ministry that both of us cherished.

Yesterday I went through some photos that were chosen to remember Brian. As I placed them in an album I was overcome with waves of sadness.

I know why I haven’t been able to look at the big box of memorial cards. I’m not ready yet.

Sudden and unexpected death is very different from any other kind. Brian was healthy, young, strong, and happy. His death was a total shock. Heart failure.

I was shocked for months.

I guess I’m still in the recovery period.

I know where he is. That hasn’t changed.

I still struggle with thinking about his death.

Perhaps I’m abnormal. I don’t know.

I don’t really care if I’m normal or not. I’m coping.

Thank you, all of you who remembered us and wrote to us at that time.

I do cherish your interest and thoughts.

Please know that I have been retreating, restarting, reevaluating. I haven’t forgotten you. I’m still “dealing.”

Thank you.

It’s been longer than usual for me to neglect my blog. I’ve had some things to clarify and clean up in my personal life. When people pass away there is a natural inventory that occurs. Life matters take on deeper implications.

It’s natural.

Sometimes I wonder why I am still around, but I see my purpose in this season, and I know God watches out for all of us. I’m part of the service plan right now, and I’m accepting on this. I’m learning.

My dad gets weaker gradually. It seems to be a long process. For someone who has always been so capable it frustrates. He struggles with his decline.

We all do.

Yesterday Ed, Cherie, and I went to the state fair. It was a perfect day at the fair—temps and activities! I love Ecuadorean music and we got to hear a wonderful concert coincidentally —-we were at the right place at the right moment.

There is something so ambient about a perfect outdoor temperature, blue sky, great music and a sweet atmosphere all around. That was yesterday.

So many memories of past perfect moments came to mind. Nostalgia. Sweetness.

I decided to keep this semester free to tie up loose ends. I need to work on a few long-term projects at home, spend nights watching my dad, and figuring out my next steps. I have problems to deal with and people to take care of. I have enough.

Honestly, my faith has suffered. I’d be lying to say otherwise. Jesus is still my everything, but I do question “why?” and ask God for His explanation. I haven’t received it yet, so I’ll let you know when it comes.

I think I understand people better. I understand the loss of faith some have. I couldn’t have done that before my past three years.

It’s coming up on three years since my brother’s death.

This summer has been achingly beautiful.

Perhaps it’s drought in areas, repercussions of the pandemic affect us all. I see the heinous invasive weeds in our low lying areas and I know that is a metaphor for many things in life. There are some difficult issues to deal with.

We all have issues. Genetic entropy is a thing.

Dysfunction is prevalent.

Life is unfair, hard, and full of pitfalls.

We must walk circumspectly.

The Holy Spirit has given me a thought for this time of transition. “God sees.”

Sarah and Hagar, a difficult circumstance, and God looked out for Hagar. God saw her.

God sees.

He sees me. He hasn’t forgotten.

I may be in a spiritual drought, but I know He cares.

The rains of spiritual refreshment will come again.

We’ll laugh and smile again someday.

Meanwhile, I’m tying up these loose ends.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come soon.

Maranatha!

I was raised with principles.

I loved the “Institute For Basic Life Principles.” I probably went to that seminar dozens of times. I still access it through their website. I started when I was 13 and now I’m going to be 60 next birthday.

I had a mother who had strict principles: no dancing, no occult activity, no playing cards, no rock music, (of course) no drinking, drugs, or smoking. Bowling was “iffy.” She had good reasons for all of these principles. Logically, all of these rules made perfect sense. It wasn’t just NO, DON’T.

Playing cards? Look them up in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Read the entire section. You’ll see why she had issues with them. It wasn’t just the association with gambling. It had occult implications.

Argue all you want, there were principles enforced in my childhood for reasons that many would desperately try to explain away. I couldn’t, so I pretty much abode by them. I bore constant criticism and mockery for my principles.

It made me strong.

I think the best example of principled people in the Bible were the Nazarites. I brought them up once in an argument about principles and the pastor I was talking to burst out in mocking laughter.

Even the Nazarites faced criticism, though God seemed to approve their principles. Didn’t He?

I am not a Nazarite. I don’t care if you cut your hair or nails, or whatever you do. Frankly I don’t care about your principles ONE IOTA. Nazarites be Nazarites. I love you as you are right now. Period. That is one of my principles.

I do care about my own. I choose my own principles in light of my own relationship with the Lord and those around me.

If I choose to not listen to rock music that should have nothing to do with you. If I choose to abide by the codes of good citizenship, by principle, I shouldn’t attract anyone’s attention. If I choose to buck the New World Order as a prophecy watcher you can turn your head and look another direction.

Yes, my principles will touch others on occasion. No one is forced to adopt mine, but if you interact with me you may be affected by my principles. You may want something from me that my principles forbid, whether or not you agree or understand.

So does one put relationship over principle?

This has been the question of the last pandemic years. I have lost several relationships because of my principles. I’m not alone on this. I speak with people, friends, folks at my work, family—who have made the sacrifice of relationship for principles.

Fighting for principle is a lonely battle. People won’t like you. Your principles will welcome derision and scoffing. They will be clawed at.

I’ve learned to turn away. I answer to God for myself, not for others.

I can love everyone from my principled existence, I’m not judging. How could I judge anyone? I am not better because of my principles. I simply see my accountability for my behavior involving God and His plans for me. Why would I criticize anyone else?

So I find it irksome when people criticize my principles. I’m asking no one to adopt my principles. I act in light of my own relationship with Christ. If I am showing some obvious sin I expect my brothers and sisters in Christ to correct me. Sin is a different matter. Principles can’t be sin.

If you choose to criticize my behavior because I am abiding by my own principles I will quietly back away from you. Passively. You clearly do not know my heart.

I’ve done this so many times it has become normal, even if it’s a sad outcome. I will pray from afar, love from afar.

Lonely existence? Yes. But God does comfort, and He does bring like-minded friends into your circles. He has comforted me.

I encourage you to abide by principles. Practice it, because as the days get darker, the last days commence, people who want to follow Jesus will be confronted with this question of principle versus relationship more and more.

Choose principle. Eternal consequences.

Practice makes perfect, right?

MARANATHA!

It was a long time ago that I faced a crippling fear in my life and sought ways to overcome it. I read all sorts of books and studies on fear, seeking ways to quell it.

Fear is actually positive in some respects: it is a necessary element to basic survival. A child that is taught a healthy fear of fire or electricity is likelier to survive than one that isn’t. Someone who understands the dangers of driving, and healthfully “fears” the consequences of excessive speed or inattentiveness will be a better driver.

But it can cripple. Fear can drive us to inaction. It is certainly bad for our health, too, as excessive levels of cortisol can be damaging to our bodies. Fear produces bad chemistry. It naturally gives us “flight” urges.

That chemical must be expended to not have negative effect.

When something stressful happens to us we naturally react. Fear is a natural reaction to things that stress us.

The last two years since Brian died I’ve been pretty regular at swimming and exercise. I think that has been life-saving for me. Sometimes you do things without knowing all the reasons, but for me swimming and walking the dogs was something that gave me relief. I think I was battling the extra chemistry of grief and stress.

Facing my worst fear, walking myself through the imagined end of that fear (did it come to pass?) and leaving it in the Lord’s hands is the secret of a peaceful walk with Christ Jesus.

There will still be things to manage and handle, but the spirit is at rest in the Lord.

Managing and handling has taken up my life lately. I may be working towards my degree in public administration, but not because it is “my thing.”

I know, I tend to be “nuts” sometimes. I was trying to start a non-profit and this master’s degree matched both my educational background and my aspirations.

And I am learning.

Due to my losses I dropped the ball on my academics. Now I fear the restart—I fear opening the emails and the accounts and facing the music of my failures.

I need to remind myself to explore “the worst” possible scenario here!

This, too, is in the Lord’s hands.

I have been somewhat crippled by the fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the fear of facing my professors with my inadequacies. I also hated public finance and budgeting and that class. (ugh!)

I’m an artist. I’m a musician, a writer, a teacher, a caregiver. I’m not much of a figures or organization person. I have to work at those things. (Ugh!)

I need to face my fear again.

I need to register for a class and slowly ease myself back into the (unwelcome) saddle.

What if I can’t finish my master’s degree?

The Rapture is always a glorious possibility!

MARANATHA!

MARANATHA!

This has been another week of sorrow.

When I was in middle school my brother brought home a beautiful girl from Wheaton College. They married five years later, and in that time I got to know her family a bit. I’ve written about my sister-in-law before, an intelligent artist, who passed from glioblastoma back on January 1, 2006.

Her little sister, Anne, was a lovely child. One memory I’ll never forget is the Christmas we all spent together in Arlington, Virginia, where Anne dressed up in a little white gown and a wreath of candles in her hair to “play” Santa Lucia in honor of our Scandinavian background. She was colorful then, and colorful her whole life.

She was really sweet. My memories of her are sweet.

I followed her life throughout the years—the good and the bad—and rejoiced with her happiness, grieved her negatives. The last time I saw her was at my brother’s funeral.

I’ve prayed for her: she’s on the top ten of my “snatch list.”

(Jude 23)

I learned yesterday that she is not going to make it. She was in a terrible car accident last week, and was badly burned. Brain damage, poisoning from the fumes. I am so, so sad for her.

My heart just breaks again. I am not one to judge her. The tragedy she suffered in her life is monumental, her death likens her brother’s, and brother-in-law (my brother’s). Accidents.

Suffering—-

Pray for her poor mom. Pray for her sister who has lost four siblings. Pray for our nieces and nephews, and also her two sons.

Pray for our family again, please, as we ponder loss once more.

The tires crunching acorns on the driveway is a sound I always associated with the end of free summer days and the dread of back to school.

I always write about the blue jays and their warnings this time of year. I suppose they are simply teaching their youngsters.

Next door a robin mom is diligently feeding two very small chicks in the nest above the porch door. I wonder how they can possibly become grown enough before needing to leave for winter. I also wonder about the dangers they will face as they leave the safety of the nest.

So many dangers in the world. Wildlife seems tame to the political and spiritual powers that spar and prep for the final showdown with the Beast.

Today I was reading in Revelation, chapter 11, about the two witnesses. Like harbingers of autumn, acorns crushed on the pavement, the harbingers of this time to come are blaring like trumpets. The world is primed for the reception of these two figures who make an appearance for over 1,000 days.

As a “Pre-Tribber” I always find it somewhat amusing that some people can attempt to explain this scenario according to their fancy. I think the Word of God is pretty descriptive and definite in this passage. I think two men will appear and they will be dressed shabbily (sackcloth) and they will preach. I think the world will know all about them. (Prime-time media)

It was in 2015 that I felt God was giving the world a big warning about His prophecies and what was about to unfold. I thought we’d be out of here back then. I didn’t set a date, per-say, but I’ve always wondered about the Feast of Trumpets, Rosh Hashanna, as a date to begin a heavenly wedding. I always watch.

WE are now seven years since that interesting year with blood moons and other unusual astronomical activity.

Astrology isn’t astronomy, may I just insert. The Mazzaroth are created by God as signs for us. Astrology is attempting to read the future through demonic means.

They are very different. The signs in the constellations warn of a coming Prince, one that comes and rescues his bride and carries her off to a celestial wedding banquet. That’s the promise of glorious blessed hope for those who place their trust in Jesus.

WE are still waiting, but the signs of the end keep unfolding. Birth pangs.

My grandson chose to appear last week, and he came quite quickly —-like half an hour after they reached the hospital! He was overdue his due date by a whole week, but he chose his own time (God’s timing) to be born.

He’s beautiful. He’s healthy. He’s a gift from God.

I think his arrival is much like Christ’s coming for us: we’d like it to be on the “due date.” We calculate and hope, pray and wait.

Jesus will come, and I think soon.

Are you ready? The acorns are beginning to fall. Signs of fall are here. It isn’t long until the leaves will turn and chill will set in. Don’t wait to put your faith in Christ. Life without Him is truly cold. You don’t want to be around to see those epic guys in sackcloth preaching every day for a few years.

That won’t be anything good.

Escape. God provided a door to get away from this danger: Jesus Christ.

MARANATHA!

你好，我是美國人，我的名字是柯基犬，我很高興見到你

Last night our sweet princess got to fulfill one of her dreams. She met her favorite band in person downtown Minneapolis at the Armory. It was a sold-out concert, and she was able to be included in the before-concert activities.

She came home flying higher than a kite, happy, tons of photos, and dreaming of her fantastic experience.

While she was at the concert my niece took me to see “Emma” at the Guthrie Theater. We were just blocks away from the Armory, now a major concert venue.

It was my first time at the Guthrie Theater since it had moved to its new location. I know, I know! I’m late to the whole theater scene. There are several really well-heeled theaters in the Twin Cities. Back in my college days I tried to see a play or two each year, but since then I’ve only been to the Children’s Theater with home-schooling groups.

Theater isn’t my first interest. Music is.

I’m still glad I got to go to the play last night. It was clever, a mix of modern and historical —I loved the ’60’s “formals” that the actresses wore. Vintage fabric is my thing, for sure.

During the play I received a text message from my son that my grandson had made an appearance, freshly born, lots of dark hair, and the photo showed him crying healthfully. New life. Health. We are all grateful. Momma seems to be doing fine, too. This Omi is thrilled to pieces! (That is my “grandmother” name, German for granny.)

I started this post with Chinese, because that is where my mind has been this summer. As my dad’s condition worsens I have been spending most nights with him. We are grateful for quiet ones. My sleep has been affected, but I’m just grateful to be close by, able to help, and available.

I started a membership at a local CrossFit gym. As I maneuvered my dad around this past year I was dumbfounded at my own loss of strength. This had to stop. I needed to get stronger!

Even though I swim 3 times a week my strength was not what it was. Even now, after three gym sessions I can feel the strength returning! It’s interesting. I’ve been intermittent fasting for the last year, and I’ve lost so much weight, so I feel more confident swimming and working out at the gym. My heart isn’t as stressed. I can breathe easily going up stairs. Still, with the help of the trainer, I can tell that I am pushing my muscles in a good way.

Summer vibes: Chinese, strength-training, concerts—quiet.

I could live this way for awhile!

Minnesota weather has been idyllic this year, too. Dry, but perfect temps. It’s still super green here at Corgi Hollows. Ed harvested the first tomato, and the raspberries are a daily addition to our diet. The herbs are healthy also. Really healthy. We will see what comes from the ground at harvest time. Ed waters patiently every day. His Japanese garden sits in his imagination still, the stone lantern standing sentinel to the future lay-out. I’m sure it will happen eventually. Perhaps we’re waiting to visit a few more gardens—in Japan, for instance. Next spring?

I could live this way…

Take out the dark side of my life and it would be perfect. That doesn’t just disappear, though, as much as I’d like it to. It affects everything, and only through God’s grace am I still around to field the carnage.

Life is a balance of joy and lament, happiness and sadness, riches and poverty, winter and summer.

It’s summer here, and I am seeing sunshine today.

I could live this way for awhile!

你有美好的一天

Maranatha!

I coined this word seven years ago when Ed got leukemia. It seemed like such a description of what I was trying to do in our lives, building up inner strength for the fight against cancer. Since then we have gone through various hard things, and each time I think of that word. You won’t find it in the dictionary. I made it up.

These days I know that I am building walls, strengthening my place, finding reserves to manage my days. I’m fortressing again.

It’s hard to be rather raw inside and still find the energy to cope with a parent who is slowing fading from this world. Because I feel the depression and suffering I imagine that those around me are in the same place, dealing with the same losses and issues.

It’s hard.

I wrote about acceptance last time, and that is something that comes slowly. There are still things to process. My life hasn’t changed much outwardly, anyway.

I accept things. I grieve.

I went for a counseling session with my pastor this past week. He was so kind to me. I was encouraged to enter a time of lament.

Would you pray for me as I do that? I believe it is a spiritually vulnerable place, and I need your prayer protection as I begin this phase of my life.

I’m grateful for you, reader.

There are so many years when I don’t think about “half birthdays” but one of my best friend’s birthdays is a day off of my half one. We celebrated this year with lunch outside Ridgedale Mall in beautiful weather. July is nice in Minnesota.

We had a nice time catching up. She’s posed to travel soon, and I’m somewhat envious. I don’t have the all-clear for travel yet. I did get my passport this week. I had let it expire, accidentally. It came without fanfare, but it represents to me a new chapter in my life,

My Chinese studies are going smoothly. That’s about all I can handle these days with my dad’s condition, which continues to deteriorate.

I’m spending every possible night with him so my mom can sleep. I am tired. Exhausted, really. I’m still wide awake for most of the night—and day, for that matter. The nights I have at home with the pups are spent in dreamless slumber.

Caring for an aged parent is part of life. Most humans must reckon with this stage of life. I am almost 60, and I’ve been blessed with both parents and parents-in-law with above average health. This era came late for me.

I went from raising my five children to caring for my parents pretty smoothly. I am a care-giver.

The brief era in between I attempted to earn my master’s degree. I’m still not finished with it, but tantalizingly close. Trauma, tragedy, life troubles made the path temporarily impossible.

I am expecting a new grandson any day now.

My daughter-in-law is READY to have that boy! His sister is all cute and excited too. We’re all excited.

Milestones. Birthdays. Seasons of life.

I think I’ve finally reached the stage of acceptance in my grief journey. One really does go through those patterns of grief. It’s true. Lately I have felt less agitation, more peace about what happened to us. This is a good thing overall, I believe. I still deal with depression, but that is to be expected.

In acceptance lieth peace,—a phrase from the Mountains of Spices, by Hannah Hurnard. Through miscarriages, terrible things I have remembered this truth.

Peace will come when you resign from the fight, when you see the world as it is in the present and acknowledge that you must go on.

My life continues to morph as I go forward from my past. Yes, it is a huge change. I am not the same person I was. My roles have changed, my goals, my defining characteristics. I really am different. I accept this. I am becoming peaceful.

I am praying that I can be more servant-minded, cherishing the ones that God has given me, serving them.

I have been able to see my dad in a whole new light, as he sweetly conveys his desire to not be trouble for us caregivers. His faith is really shining right now. His trust in God the Father is on display for all of us. Yes, he is still human, gets irritated, frustrated—but the core of his being has obviously been one of trust in the Lord, and his faith is still crystal clear.

Listening to him pray at night before bed is a gift that I have been given in this hard time.

God numbers our days. What will that number be? Are you ready, like my dad, to see Jesus? Have you made that eternal transaction by putting your faith and trust in Him? Those of you who are on my “snatch list” are being prayed for DAILY! I want to see you in heaven!

I am still a prophecy watcher, despite my retreat into my own world of Eastern Asia and my new job, dealing with my new life. The signs are all here. Jesus is coming soon! Are you ready?

Perhaps today?

MARANATHA!