Since my life has been marked by hard things recently I cannot help but be a little “dark” on my blog. I’ve always wanted to be “light” in this world, but my circumstances have made that hard for me.

Still, most of us have darkness that we must deal with, and how we deal with it can be a source of light to those who really have none.

Because I am a believer in Jesus I have hope.

My interest is primarily in the life that is eternal—the life of my spirit in Christ Jesus.

This is my experience, this is my faith, this is my hope.

So, watch and see how effective it is to have faith.

I fail, as my previous post tells, but my ultimate end is absolute victory.

Today may be full of snow and hardship, but I know a day is coming when I will see my King face to face, when all of my dear ones are perfect and welcoming me into a blissful existence with God the Father.

He is holy. I will be holy. We will stand in His presence, whole and pure.

Today I may be down. I may be struggling and even shedding a few tears. I do that often these days because life is hard.

This isn’t my ultimate, though.

I have hope.

The King is coming.

MARANATHA!

Can you be a failure in grief?

I speak only from experience, mine, and I’ve thought so. What is failing at grief, anyway?

Not crying enough? Feeling totally lost? Anger at the One who orchestrates the world?

How about sobbing at inappropriate moments?

Those all look like failure to me.

What about the darkness —blue—that sits in the chest, coloring the days?

Loss brings grief.

I’ve struggled with maintaining our home, as well. Failure. Managing is hard.

I’ve dropped the ball on most relationships.

Can you hear what I am saying? Those who grieve are prone to failure.

I’m not stupid. I have a smattering of talents and gifts, understanding. To whom much is given much shall be required.

I’ve failed there, too.

So, speaking as a FAILURE, I will say this: God forgives. He will forgive that mess I’ve made.

Can you forgive me, too?

I’m weeping a bit today. It’s okay. I need to vent some periodically.

It was on Monday that Ed and I were headed to Arizona—but on his way to get spruced up for the trip, a haircut, he slipped and fell badly on the ice, fracturing his elbow.

When we were to be going through security we were sitting in the Emergency Room in Buffalo, Minnesota, an hour away from the airport.

The ER doctor first said that surgery was expected, but that was amended to “Wait, and let’s see.”

After the week of quiet rest at home I thought to myself that I could have flown myself to Arizona, but that never occurred to me during the process. It was an afterthought. I’m still too much a “mom” to my 24 year old. Oh well.

I miss my cousin in Arizona, and I had looked forward to the trip for years.

Thankfully I’ve been blessed to see her here in Minnesota several times in the midst of my crisis. She was my medicine. She was my stalwart support at my brother’s death, my husband’s death, my dad’s death. She was there for me. God gifted her to me many years ago.

I’m thankful.

I got vouchers from Sun Country, and for that I’m grateful. I can anticipate another trip when the planets align again.

For now we weathered a snow “event” and we are still not fully shoveled and plowed out. Maybe I’m weeping about that too.

My husband used to be practically manic getting us back to the norm after snow. He was legendary. Now we wait for temps to rise above freezing. Nature takes its course. Cherie helps, too, especially shoveling out Grandma next door.

Last night we saw “Jesus Revolution” and I’m a bit sad today, perhaps because of that. My niece’s song was the soundtrack during the part at the end where the “real” photos and facts about the story ran. “You got a Friend in Jesus”

The film was laced with Hollywood Illuminati stuff, but the story about Chuck Smith is worth telling. There are several men of God that emerged from this Jesus movement.

As someone who has been a Jesus Freak for decades I watch and see what God is doing worldwide—or what the enemy is doing.

Inevitably there will be true fruit from any flash in the pan movement. Asbury revival event included. Who am I to decry the work of the Spirit? Not doing it.

Though I see that trend as temporary and full of error I will not bash it.

God works in mysterious ways. If some can come to Gospel Truth through any means (and many have!) I will applaud it. I particularly think of Sadhu Sundar Singh, one of my favorite people of all time. I can’t wait to meet him in heaven.

Find stuff in the archives of libraries about him. It’s all been put in storage, but it’s worth calling up from the basement shelves. Fascinating stuff. God is great. He’s not bound by western culture, either.

There are always those of us tapping our pencils at doctrine and theology, waiting for those deeper arguments to surface, defining and honing faith.

My journey is between me and God, and I am not the judge of anyone else.

I prefer to retreat, pray, and watch the Holy Spirit open up the eyes of those who will truly see. The emotional bandwagon is something I’ve known and cherished.

It isn’t where it’s at, though.

The deeper faith is abiding. The deeper faith can know in the darkness of the pain of this world.

The deeper faith is sustaining and a treasure. No persecution, no death, no discouragement—–no pain can snatch it.

We are called to go and make disciples. We’re called to preach. I am a woman. I can do this, too, even if I cannot be a pastor.

Beautiful are the feet of them that bring good news.

I want beautiful feet.

MARANATHA!

It’s been years since I got to fly south in the winter, but this year I get to go twice.

Blessings.

I spent two days in Orlando, Florida, soaking up the sun and reconnecting with my dear friend who was a bridesmaid at our wedding. She actually was instrumental in bringing my husband and me together.

We had a lot to talk about, her six kids, my five kids, our parents, life stuff. Two days of continuous conversation = HEALING.

Now I get to go south again, to my “medicine,” to Arizona and my cousin who always makes me laugh. Laughter and sunshine, a dose of happiness that should set me up for March (which is always bleak in Minnesota) and April (which is always a wild card here).

I found bargain-basement airfare, so I’m twice blessed.

Isn’t life as a believer fascinating?

It isn’t a bed of roses, a cake walk, or sunny paths, but it IS interesting. Full of grief and pain, mistakes and darkness, yet there is always a ray of light and hope in the bad.

I’ve been clinging to that ray. There is hope.

Are you watching the spiritual stuff that is going on these days? I am.

Since I am always skeptical I wait and watch. Are people testing the spirits? I would never grieve the Holy Spirit by denying His power, and I’d be careful to denounce anything that I don’t fully understand. I know that God works in mysterious ways, and I, as a dispensationalist, have an understanding of interpretation that may not fit the current scenario. I’m talking theology here.

Yet I watch.

God is doing amazing things in these last days. People are being called to Him, snatched from the fire, in these latter days.

Cults and movements will always be around—the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Those of us who cling to Christ alone, who know His Word, who wait patiently for His coming for decades —-we can watch and pray as we see things coming to a head.

Whom do you trust?

I trust my Father in heaven. Can I trust anyone else, really?

When trust has been broken more than a few times it becomes really hard to trust anyone. I admit that my circumstances have shaken my trust in God! Why, God?

Yet underlying this admission I know He is still at work, still my God, still powerful and able. He can turn my issues into a fragrance. He can turn my ugliness into stunning beauty. He is still the pinhole of light that brings shape to the objects of my life in the darkness.

I will still trust Him.

God is still working. He is patient. He loves us. GOD IS LOVE.

Remember this. It may get you through this day.

Sunshine is coming.

Jesus is coming.

MARANATHA

I saw a clip from Amir about the upcoming Tribulation. He says stuff so succinctly. This YouTube clip hasn’t been posted yet, but watch it when you can.

We believers need not fear. Fret NOT. Psalm 37!

Those that need to be snatched from the fire need PRAYER.

Do you have a list?

I do. I know people who need to be snatched for Christ, snatched from the puppet-masters, snatched from the fire. I pray for all of them daily. I keep pictures on my phone’s wall paper of those needing snatching, in my truck, around my house. When I see them I PRAY!

Lord, snatch them! Time is so short!

There are those that are supposedly in the fold, but they are blind to the beast system that is parroting true Christ-centered faith.

Wake up! Test the spirits!

The Laodicean church is in full force today. The devil lets it go its powerless way. WAKE UP!

Such an interesting thing happened to someone who knew my dad. She was fretting about what is going on in the world. A man came to her door and said “Read Psalm 37.”

He was with another man who (she says) looked exactly like my dad. She knew my dad had died. The two turned away from the door and drove off in a nice car (smile!–My dad loved cars.)

FRET NOT! READ PSALM 37.

It is the last days, and stranger things are about to commence.

I cannot explain this occurrence with this woman, but I know we are to be looking up, to not be anxious, and to be WATCHING.

We are going to be meeting each other in the air! How exciting.

I’ve been trying to connect with people from east Asia for the past year. It goes hand in hand with my new job as staff with the Tai Initiative. I’ve had to immerse myself in Asian culture to be able to connect with that part of the world.

A billion people live in China.

Are you praying?

Prayer is incredibly powerful. I’ve been able to have connections with people I never dreamed of meeting. Fascinating!

WE are in the world, but not of it. Watch and pray.

Come Lord Jesus. Even so, come quickly!

Have you looked up Chris Pinto and his stuff yet? You need to get his stuff on the Jesuits.

I follow David Bass on Facebook and YouTube. He has done loads of research on the Beast System.

Please take 20 minutes to watch his film that I posted below.

As you know I’ve stopped watching the news, but I keep tabs on things in the world through Twitter and other means. I have been “overnewsed,” and I know from reading Scripture what to look for.

I’m a prophecy maven, right?

David’s work has been consistently stellar for years, now. He truly loves Jesus. He’s watching the signs, and as a British guy he has a different perspective from us Americans.

Take note of the symbolism in this clip.

I was asked recently about the symbols of the New World Order, or beast system, as I like to refer to it as. This video shows some of it.

I find this symbolism all over the world. It is global. Interesting?

To those of us who have been watching, yes.

Eyes wide open. Jesus comes soon.

Rapture ready!

MARANATHA!

Praying and praising are two sides of the same coin. Last night I had to play the accompaniment for the third grade concert. It was about 20 songs, last minute changes, a bit stressful. For me.

I asked several people to pray for me, as the rehearsals went poorly, and I was extremely nervous. I did this job reluctantly. I love to play, but when the pressure is on to perform I freeze up. My hands get icy, my mind wanders. I get the rush of bad adrenaline and my legs shake.

It’s a recipe for performance disaster, and I am no stranger to this.

I told the director I was a LAST RESORT for accompanist.

Well, I was.

I just didn’t want to screw up the entire third grade concert, so I asked the Lord for His supernatural help.

He answered my prayer, and the prayers of those praying.

The Result:

I made minor mistakes. (Normal ones, no big deal)

I felt a supernatural peace. My body was completely relaxed. I focused on the director. I remembered every last minute change.

The concert was a success!!!

PRAISE GOD.

This is a public school, and “Amazing Grace,” “When the Saints Go Marching In,” “Swing low, Sweet Chariot,” “America,” were all performed. I just love this. Many other old songs were sung, too.

At the end of the concert the third graders gave me a loving hand of applause! It was only due to the grace of God! They knew how I messed things up at the rehearsal!

All good. Thanks be to God.

He answers prayer.

I know that sometimes we get lessons in humility. I’ve been learning those for years. Last night He spared me.

God answers prayer.

Peter Drucker is the guru of management. As someone earning her Master’s Degree in Public Administration I’ve been exposed to his stuff over and over. He’s been revered as the transformer of management technique since the whole subject was recognized back in the late 1800’s. He wrote a book called “The Practice of Management.” It’s a must read for those pursuing management degrees.

I’m reading a couple of his books as I wait for the fall semester to restart my official studies. I’ve hit the wall, but I’ve made contact with my university and I think there is hope still for me to complete my MPA. I’m still learning from my own reading, and it all helps with my new position as staff with a Chinese/American NGO.

Management as a study isn’t that old.

Whether it is business management or public administration, the past 150 years is when this became a “thing.”

Before that there were merchant guilds, lords, nobles, kings and empires. The “science” of managing was an exclusive affair.

Now people like me can study how to control all sorts of things. Managing is really a form of controlling.

Attempting to control variables and make something new for good or profit is the crux of the science.

One thing that I have learned from my own studies and managing a classroom of students at the public school where I teach is that you choose the things you can best manage, control, and leave the rest alone.

God is in control. He is my back-up. A Christian has this advantage. If everything hits the fan I can run to Him.

I know I can’t handle most things, so these days I don’t manage much but my time. I “control” my time. It’s freeing.

When you stand back and think about it you realize that you attempt to control/manage all sorts of things in your life.

Choosing where you put your management effort is vital to living a more peaceful life. If you’ve been given management responsibilities prepare yourself for major trouble. Managing things is difficult.

It’s not a piece of cake.

You simply cannot control all the variables.

At most, it is a hope that things will work according to a strategic plan. Controlled outcome is a myth.

God is in control. We are not.

Thank You, Lord!

It has been awhile since I wrote last. Dear faithful readers! You have stuck with me all this while!

I chose to participate in a grief group a week ago. I was ready for it, and it was probably therapeutic for me. I cried.

The thing about a grief group is that it highlights normal things, warns about the abnormal, and keeps account. I wasn’t ready for it until now, myself, but it was a good thing for me, overall.

I won’t be able to go all the time, but I plan to participate as possible.

I also started to see a counselor.

She was very affirming. She was supportive. I felt validated and helped.

A very good friend gave me a book/journal written and formatted by a woman who also lost her husband. As I perused the pages I realized my grief has been pretty “normal.”

We have the same thoughts.

I’m watching my mom as she processes her transition to being a widow. It’s a very different experience from mine, but it still has parallels.

Death of a spouse is death of a spouse. If you are married and outlive your spouse you will experience the pain.

Some of you know that I have had deep burdens since Brian passed away. I cannot share everything publicly on this blog, but know that there has been deep pain and loss on almost every front.

My counselor breathed a sigh after our first session and told me she hadn’t seen pain like mine before.

Yeah.

It’s been hard.

As I have surfaced for normalcy, as if I’d been diving in a sea of inertia, I have touched the air of living again.

I’ve gotten my sleep schedule back. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night for hours any more. I am actively pursuing my CrossFit and swimming schedule. I feel physically better.

I’m trying to remember things more. I simply had no memory for the past 2 years. I’m positive that I offended some people because I simply couldn’t remember a thing I was supposed to.

If I didn’t write it down right away it was lost forever. I appreciated my friends who persisted and forgave me.

I most often forget events I’m supposed to attend, or said I would. Introvert that I am, events can be something I do not anticipate.

It’s not that I’m antisocial. I just like being at home and cozy. I like books and long conversations with quiet moments and good person.

I used to love giving tea parties—prophecy teas—and hosting Bible studies. I can’t do that now. Maybe someday in the future.

If I stay single I need to make some plans to move to a more manageable home.

For now, the Lord is helping me. HE will always help me. He promised.

My east Asian studies have provided much diversion over the past year. I celebrated Chinese New Year with two friends who I’ve met through my studies. There is a new Asian Mall on the west metro side of Minneapolis. Pretty authentic Asian stuff, I believe. We went there for delicious Korean food that day. The celebration included a dragon parade and pretty dances. The crowd was significant!

I’ve been able to connect worldwide with new friends who share this new interest, and it brings joy.

Learning Chinese has been wonderful.

If stuff is piling up in a heavy way I just “leave for China” in my mind. It works. It’s coping. Someday I hope to actually travel to China, but for now it just in the books.

I’ve got some other projects in the “oven” these days, and I’m having fun with them.

I bought my first plane tickets in seven years. I’m planning two trips to be with a good friend and my wonderful cousin. South, sunshine, pools, and maybe a day at the beach, all necessary for mental health this time of year.

God is good.

He gives us what we need, lavishly even.

Ed has been job searching. He has some possibilities. Pray for him, please. His diploma arrived this week. What an accomplishment.

Our family doesn’t do the graduation ceremony with the Mason’s Mortar Board over the head anymore. We’re too uncomfortable with that symbolism since waking up to the puppet-masters and their agenda.

A degree is a degree. We’re thankful for that.

On we go. The path ahead seems to be getting a bit easier, smoother, straighter.

One step at a time.

Ultimately I’m looking up. That is my hope and my goal: the Rapture.

MARANATHA!