I’m not exactly sure what the straw was, the one that broke the camel’s back, but it was something in the past month. Was it his birthday? The anniversary? The difficult assignment for my public finance and budgeting class—the one I just couldn’t understand?
Was it the aching heart?
Was it the resolve to live quietly and contentedly without him?
Was it the beginning of house repairs, the busier subbing schedule, the return to the hotel’s front desk?
Usually cooler temps give me a boost to buckle down on things needing to be done. The lethargy of summer disappears and the anticipation of the holidays drives the energy forward in preparation.
Oh well.
I’m floundering.
I admit it.
Some of you know that this has been a year of heart ache, continuing to be untangled, two steps forward, one step back.
When Brian passed away the reason for my master’s degree evaporated. I’ve been candid with my professors about my apparent lacksadaisical attitude toward my classes. I’ve been candid here on my blog, too.
Motivation is pretty key to learning. I’ve observed this in everyone. No one is exempt from it.
I could say that getting the MPA was motivation, but it seems rather empty. Learning administration is something I need, not that I’m gifted in it (I’m opposite, actually). I thought that starting a non-profit organization to help those leaving jail would be helpful. It certainly is needed. Recidivism is a major issue, at least it is here in Minnesota. I assume it has something to do with human nature and the inability to change without spiritual intervention.
There are dime-a-dozen self-help ideas out there. Some people dig in their heels and grit their teeth, pull themselves up by the bootstraps and ignore the supernatural void in their hearts—the God-shaped vacuum—and achieve a measure of success.
Sometimes the success comes from evil powers instead of holy ones.
Knowing the need for proper human existence, proper life skills, proper attitudes toward the Creator is a key concept that some beings never considered. It’s true. I’ve seen it, met them.
There is a sub-cortex part of the brain that has to do with basic survival. Food and warmth, basic life preservation, nothing more.
Finding the motivation to live well, to contribute, to love something—to fulfill purpose, is necessary to all humans. We must rise above the amygdala.
I am toying with that amygdala existence right now. It is akin to fetal position. Motivation is hard to come by, and I see no great tomorrow. I might see vague visions of position in the clouds but their forms are elusive right now.
I feel like a teenager again, but I’m a grandma approaching 60.
What should I do?
Concentration has come hard for me. I’m easily distracted from boring textbooks. (I didn’t used to be this way.)
Gritting my teeth has become tiresome.
Watch me grieve. Watch me deal. Watch me try.
I am not without hope. I have Jesus. Even if I cannot see or imagine the future, I do trust. I never really lost that.
I’m spending a lot of time putting my hope in answered prayer. God always answers, yes or no, but I can pray for my needs and desires. He will answer. It might not look like I thought it would.
I choose to stay on the drafting table. The tablet it still open for His writing my life story. The clay is still soft and able to be molded.
I am still going to try.
I think a degree in public admin could be helpful on many levels, even if I have no natural bent toward administering.
I guess I can learn. I can serve.
The millennium is coming. I might as well prepare for it. We believers will ALL be administrators for 1,000 years. Isn’t that impressive?
MARANATHA!!!
I just watched a show that had a ruby red Ford Fusion and a Scamp camper. I wonder if someone in the entertainment world is spying on me. Hilarious! I see corgis everywhere, but that isn’t unusual. Scamps are. My ruby red Fusion is unusual too, as it is a 2014 manual trans. (It’s a lot of fun, actually, and I hope it never dies.) I pull the Scamp with my white pick-up, not the Fusion, but it made me laugh to see my stuff in the TV show. Maybe I just don’t watch much TV.
Pets are fine. Yukichan is finally house-trained. Time to really deep-clean. She is still tearing up all toys and shoes within her reach, though. Puppy antics continue. The cats are reluctant to leave the warmth of the house. Yes, we’ve had snow this past week.
We are adjusting to the new driving patterns since our road became a dead-end. It takes me an extra five minutes to get to the YMCA now for swimming. All things in time. School seems to be going okay for Ed and Cherie. Margaret listed the old Saturn on Craig’s List to sell. Must clear out the back parking area for the snow plow this winter. I’m hoping someone wants it for parts or something. It doesn’t work right now. I’m sure Brian could troubleshoot what is wrong with it. Alas. I cannot.
The house repairs continue. We are addressing the laundry room next. The porch ceiling is beautiful and bright! The new tile in the basement looks lovely. The gutters are on and they look marvelous. Our new roof is really exceeding all expectations. Corgi Hollows looks sharp!
I’m hoping that next weekend my eldest son can come out and do yard clean up for winter. The leaves are truly down now, after one of the longest and colorful, warm autumns I’ve ever experienced.
I guess I’m ready for winter.
I’ve unpacked my sweaters, my down coats, and my wool socks. Boots stand ready. The wood fireplace is in operation, as the wood shed is all set for the season. The fire looks and feels good. I’m knitting a sweater for Yukichan. She doesn’t have the scruff of Corwyn.
It’s cozy.