It has been awhile since I wrote last. Dear faithful readers! You have stuck with me all this while!
I chose to participate in a grief group a week ago. I was ready for it, and it was probably therapeutic for me. I cried.
The thing about a grief group is that it highlights normal things, warns about the abnormal, and keeps account. I wasn’t ready for it until now, myself, but it was a good thing for me, overall.
I won’t be able to go all the time, but I plan to participate as possible.
I also started to see a counselor.
She was very affirming. She was supportive. I felt validated and helped.
A very good friend gave me a book/journal written and formatted by a woman who also lost her husband. As I perused the pages I realized my grief has been pretty “normal.”
We have the same thoughts.
I’m watching my mom as she processes her transition to being a widow. It’s a very different experience from mine, but it still has parallels.
Death of a spouse is death of a spouse. If you are married and outlive your spouse you will experience the pain.
Some of you know that I have had deep burdens since Brian passed away. I cannot share everything publicly on this blog, but know that there has been deep pain and loss on almost every front.
My counselor breathed a sigh after our first session and told me she hadn’t seen pain like mine before.
Yeah.
It’s been hard.
As I have surfaced for normalcy, as if I’d been diving in a sea of inertia, I have touched the air of living again.
I’ve gotten my sleep schedule back. I don’t wake up in the middle of the night for hours any more. I am actively pursuing my CrossFit and swimming schedule. I feel physically better.
I’m trying to remember things more. I simply had no memory for the past 2 years. I’m positive that I offended some people because I simply couldn’t remember a thing I was supposed to.
If I didn’t write it down right away it was lost forever. I appreciated my friends who persisted and forgave me.
I most often forget events I’m supposed to attend, or said I would. Introvert that I am, events can be something I do not anticipate.
It’s not that I’m antisocial. I just like being at home and cozy. I like books and long conversations with quiet moments and good person.
I used to love giving tea parties—prophecy teas—and hosting Bible studies. I can’t do that now. Maybe someday in the future.
If I stay single I need to make some plans to move to a more manageable home.
For now, the Lord is helping me. HE will always help me. He promised.
My east Asian studies have provided much diversion over the past year. I celebrated Chinese New Year with two friends who I’ve met through my studies. There is a new Asian Mall on the west metro side of Minneapolis. Pretty authentic Asian stuff, I believe. We went there for delicious Korean food that day. The celebration included a dragon parade and pretty dances. The crowd was significant!
I’ve been able to connect worldwide with new friends who share this new interest, and it brings joy.
Learning Chinese has been wonderful.
If stuff is piling up in a heavy way I just “leave for China” in my mind. It works. It’s coping. Someday I hope to actually travel to China, but for now it just in the books.
I’ve got some other projects in the “oven” these days, and I’m having fun with them.
I bought my first plane tickets in seven years. I’m planning two trips to be with a good friend and my wonderful cousin. South, sunshine, pools, and maybe a day at the beach, all necessary for mental health this time of year.
God is good.
He gives us what we need, lavishly even.
Ed has been job searching. He has some possibilities. Pray for him, please. His diploma arrived this week. What an accomplishment.
Our family doesn’t do the graduation ceremony with the Mason’s Mortar Board over the head anymore. We’re too uncomfortable with that symbolism since waking up to the puppet-masters and their agenda.
A degree is a degree. We’re thankful for that.
On we go. The path ahead seems to be getting a bit easier, smoother, straighter.
One step at a time.
Ultimately I’m looking up. That is my hope and my goal: the Rapture.
MARANATHA!