It was a long time ago that I faced a crippling fear in my life and sought ways to overcome it. I read all sorts of books and studies on fear, seeking ways to quell it.
Fear is actually positive in some respects: it is a necessary element to basic survival. A child that is taught a healthy fear of fire or electricity is likelier to survive than one that isn’t. Someone who understands the dangers of driving, and healthfully “fears” the consequences of excessive speed or inattentiveness will be a better driver.
But it can cripple. Fear can drive us to inaction. It is certainly bad for our health, too, as excessive levels of cortisol can be damaging to our bodies. Fear produces bad chemistry. It naturally gives us “flight” urges.
That chemical must be expended to not have negative effect.
When something stressful happens to us we naturally react. Fear is a natural reaction to things that stress us.
The last two years since Brian died I’ve been pretty regular at swimming and exercise. I think that has been life-saving for me. Sometimes you do things without knowing all the reasons, but for me swimming and walking the dogs was something that gave me relief. I think I was battling the extra chemistry of grief and stress.
Facing my worst fear, walking myself through the imagined end of that fear (did it come to pass?) and leaving it in the Lord’s hands is the secret of a peaceful walk with Christ Jesus.
There will still be things to manage and handle, but the spirit is at rest in the Lord.
Managing and handling has taken up my life lately. I may be working towards my degree in public administration, but not because it is “my thing.”
I know, I tend to be “nuts” sometimes. I was trying to start a non-profit and this master’s degree matched both my educational background and my aspirations.
And I am learning.
Due to my losses I dropped the ball on my academics. Now I fear the restart—I fear opening the emails and the accounts and facing the music of my failures.
I need to remind myself to explore “the worst” possible scenario here!
This, too, is in the Lord’s hands.
I have been somewhat crippled by the fear of failure, the fear of the unknown, the fear of facing my professors with my inadequacies. I also hated public finance and budgeting and that class. (ugh!)
I’m an artist. I’m a musician, a writer, a teacher, a caregiver. I’m not much of a figures or organization person. I have to work at those things. (Ugh!)
I need to face my fear again.
I need to register for a class and slowly ease myself back into the (unwelcome) saddle.
What if I can’t finish my master’s degree?
The Rapture is always a glorious possibility!
MARANATHA!
MARANATHA!